I realized something today....


I spend a lot of fucking time waiting around for people..
not just physically.


and then after I realized, "what a selfish thought.
I make people wait for me a lot too.."

and lately too.
I feel horrible, something in me is still pissed off and hurt..

reasons why:
1. Because I'm a hypocrite.
2. I feel bad because I make my friends wait on me sometimes when I chat because I'm down or emo.
3. And when I am in good moods I try being..energetic and I want to talk and I want to do things...
and then I wait for them...
So in the end its just payback for me doing it.
once again its a circle a vicious circle.




I've been better lately I guess.
I still feel a bit hopeless, and I still get no sleep.


I really just tired of that.
and I want to sleep for.... days, weeks or months..
but what would that accomplish?
Nothing..



Things I want to do but can't: (for selfish reasons mostly)
1. Quit school.
2. Quit Tegaki.
3. Quit internet.
4. Quit school
5. Punch a manager in the nuts...


Things I do lately that i shouldn't:
1. Call off work.
2. Not do ANY homework at all.
3. pretend that everything is fine and that I'm alright.
4. Act like I'm a trooper. when I'm such a weakling, I freak out over stupid shit. a lot.
5. Get emotional over comments made by people.


Things I want:
1. I don't know anymore.
2. I'm confused.
3. I'm lost.






if you've even bothered to read it... though I hope you didn't its pointless mumbles and vents:


I want to say sorry to people I don't talk to as much lately because I'm a slag...




I'm tired finally maybe i'll go to bed now.